What a day to appreciate.

Things I'm worried about:

Leaving people. Job. The Future. Finding a church. Making friends. Growing up. Leaving my small group girls.

Things I shouldn't be worried about:

Leaving people. Job. The Future. Finding a church. Making friends. Growing up. Leaving my small group girls.

The Lord will provide everything I need. He always does.

Folgers. I bought Folgers coffee.

Someone who loves coffee recommended it. So I got some.

I've had it before. At home. My parents drink it sometimes. Or used to.

And guess what. I'm going to educate them on the importance of using a French Press. That's my first goal for when I move back in. I'm going to convince them that it tastes much better. Well probably not. Bc they are of the older generation and set in their ways and habits.

I may or may not have just read about the History of Folgers. There's a whole Folgers website. These people are legit.

I've been soaking in these cool days. Soon it will be too cold to sit outside. And it will be too cold and dark to play outside in the afternoons. I guess it makes these times more meaningful because Winter will be here before I know it.

And my hands will be cold till March.

I was getting eaten alive by bugs and ants last Saturday when I was babysitting. We were all outside swinging and running around barefoot. And I was thinking of when I was little and how bugs and bites were far from my mind. Or maybe there are just more bugs these days.

I’m going home. I’ll be graduating and moving back in with my parents in December. It wasn’t an easy decision. It was taxing and exhausting. As most big decisions are. I’m not ready to say goodbye to anyone. I don’t like goodbyes at all. I appreciate too many little things about people which makes it complicated.

It feels like everything is ending when really isn’t it just beginning? I’m scared about a lot of things to tell you the truth. I am scared about this change. I trust God completely and I know this is the right decision. God will give me everything I need from now till graduation and after. I know all this. But I am still worried. I am already hurting about how much I am going to miss people in the near future. I am worried that I will slowly not miss these people as much. It always happens. I am believing that it WON’T happen this time. These ones are too special to lose contact with. Or to simply stop missing.

When I came to BCF I was completely miserable and depressed because of how much I missed everyone. Plus I had zero cell service so I could barely text or call unless I was in Dothan or Chipley. But over time I stopped missing everyone and got used to it. I don’t want that to happen. I am going to do everything I can to prevent that from happening.

I am relishing the final days of my college career and life. Saturating myself in each moment when I’m surrounded by the ones I love. Believing that I will never stop missing these people.

I need courage. And strength. And peace to move forward. It won’t be easy.

1. The Chariots of Fire song makes me cry.

2. Laying in the sunshine with good music in my ears gives me hope.

3. Everyone is beautiful if you think about it.

4. You know why The Police had blonde hair? I don't mind telling you. They were in a Chewing Gum commercial and they apparently didn't look punk enough so the commercial man said you need to dye your hairs blonde. They needed the money so they did. And then decided to keep it because they liked it.

5. Yellow is my favourite color right now, Laura Marling my favourite singer, and overalls my favourite outfit.

6. A Blue Moon might appear on these dates: August 2, and August 31. September 1, and September 30. I'm really hoping for the best. A Blue Moon means a rare event hence the phrase Once in a Blue Moon.

Today is the day of the Opening Ceremonies. I have waited all summer for this. So I felt like I should say a few words.

Off the top of my head I would hate to be in the Olympics for Badminton. Imagine people asking you what talent you had. You would have to proudly respond, "Badminton. I am a trained Badminton...person." What does that even involve, stretching? Eating right? Learning about birds? Working out your hands? I can set up a Badminton net in my back yard and play with the old lady next door. We could be Doubles Partners. Oh no. I'm totally imagining myself as an Olympian Badminton-er. Dangit. I don't hate it either.

I would like to be in the Olympics for High Diving. Now that is something. It's my favourite summer Olympic sport. I wouldn't want the entire world looking at me on a big screen in my bathing suit though. I would want a cute little vintage one piece. With our flag on it obviously. Actually, the whole thing could be a flag. Even my head cap.

My friend LauraLeigh (I like to do that as one word) is throwing a party. My heart is so full and grateful. My mom had this wind suit. It was basically one huge American Flag. I would give anything to be wearing that tonight. To be swallowed in our striped and stars. Nothing sounds more exciting. and terrifyingly hot.

So far this morning, I've made up two words. Olympicize. and Olympism. Oh! Olympists. Three. Make that three. I'll be referring to the Gymnasts as Olympists. or Olympasts. I accidentally tried to spell Gymnasts like this: Gymnists. I didn't accidentally, I did it on purpose because that's how I thought it was spelled.

Well I'm excited. I want the very best for the US of A. My hometown. My stompin grounds. All of our stompin grounds, really. Unless you are reading this from a different country. If that's the case, you're goin DOWN.

If the athletes would look anything like this now days...

I have been listening to a lot of 80's. and by a lot I mean every time I get in the car. or my room. It has been consuming me and taking my breath away at times. I also have been trying to dress like the people in the music videos. It's kind of going well. It's a process every morning.

I haven't worn toe nail polish or finger polish in a week. I feel so plain and good.

I miss the mountains. and the fresh wet soil. and the fresh black bears. and the fresh adventures.

The Lord has given me answers to recent questions. I am thankful.

A little boy told me the other day that he liked me when I had a boy haircut. I took it as a compliment.

I haven't eaten kumquats in a long time. I am so ashamed.

Two nights ago it happened. My dream. Zombie Apocalypse. The Zombies lives had three stages. The first stage they could run faster than Trained Olympic Runners and they could climb things. The second stage is kind of blurry and the third stage they were just regular ole Zombies. I found an old tree house to stay in. My friend was with me. We were so scared. I felt like I had to run when I woke up.

I have some rocks from the mountain river in NC that I have big plans for. Their future is so bright.

"Lord please help me to have patience with what is unseen." Josh Harmony.

I re-united with a dear friend. We hungout and talked about things we like, we talked about the unknown future, Build-a-Bear, the names of Deep Sea Fishing Boats, music, movies, coffee, ya know, things like that.

Kessler just informed me that she dropped my toothbrush in the toilet. I don't even know if toothbrush is one word. That's how mad I am. She offered to "buy me a knew one" but I decided to boil it. Bc boiling takes away all the germs and pains of buying a knew toothbrush. I went through a lot with that toothbrush. I had to break it in. It was an agonizing two weeks. I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet twice in one month. I can't do this again.

I've been dreaming with my eyes open. Dreaming big. Bc I'm allowed.

T-minus two days time till the Olympics start.

I have to write this. I want to share. I keep waiting for my life to start. I look so forward to the future and for the big steps and for my big ideas and dreams to come true. I guess I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

I am living in the now, don't misinterpret me.

Christ is teaching me. I love now. I love where I am at and I love my age. I love that I don't know what is going to happen. It is mysterious. The Lord is helping me have balance. With now and with future. I have the world at my fingertips. Is it un-biblical to say that? I don't mean it like it might sound. You know.

I graduate in December. And I have anxiety. It's complicated. I have peace. And I have anxiety. At different times. I rotate them. Keeps me on my toes.

I don't want to regret this stage in the future. I don't want to think, "Wasted. Sat around and just waited for the future." These are prime years. Golden. Zenith.

Nothing is going to happen abruptly.

I am who I am and I will do what I do. I will make plans. I will not make plans. I will take baby steps. And be happy.

Every other day I forget to give all my cares and worries to God. I can think I am, but I'm really not. Not all of them. Only some. And new ones happen everyday. Sometimes I pick and choose which ones. What a bad habit I've gotten myself into. I don't want to be too proud. I don't want to keep my own worries. I want to let go. Everyday. Every moment. I surrender everyday but I don't give God my worries and angry thoughts and attitude and jealousy and desires. I feel like that should be included in surrendering. Surrendering is giving God everything. And knowing it's Him who gives life. He deserves all of me.

I used to find singing birds in the middle of the night annoying. I don't mind so much anymore. I just wonder what they're singing about. Plans for tomorrow? What to name their babies? How they are hungry and need a late night snack? Summer plans? New home? American Idol? They probably can't see really well since it's nighttime. But maybe they can. Maybe they have night vision goggles. I don't know how a bird's eye works. I know how a bulls-eye works. Heh heh. It's kind of like our spiritual walk. That we should sing in the darkness. Like trust. Or having peace because God's in control of every little thing. My present circumstance may seem dark. But it's not to Christ. Darkness and light are the same to Him.

So their notes are comforting to me. In the middle of the night. Because they remind me of Christ. He is light. Always. Now. and Forever.

I too easily put hope in myself. I think I can fulfill whatever it is. Even with fear I expect myself to pull through. Such twisted prideful thoughts. I can do/accomplish nothing without Christ. There is no other source I need to put my hope in. Anything that is worth hoping for is found in Christ. I have been hoping too much in myself. And I am broken.

The more I walk with Christ the more I will look like him.

He created me to be like him.

I really want to look like him. More than anything. I want to be an honest Christ Follower.

I have important decisions to make. Decisions that only I can make. They worry me. My peace will only be found in Christ.

God is teaching me to stand up for what is right. I am growing and slowly becoming an adult to where I have to decide whats right and decide whats worth fighting for. I have been faced with an issue. An issue that gives me the opportunity to stand firm about my own beliefs and convictions.

The Bible says to continually seek the things above.

What a better opportunity when stuck in between two things.

Above, is where my answers lie.

Above, is where my heart rests and finds peace.

Above, tells me whats worth fighting for.

And above, is where I find my boldness and strength to do so.

I pay attention to little things. Sometimes they are really little. I enjoy it. I appreciate the little things people do. and I am happy when I do little things for people.

Make efforts to do tiny encouraging things for people.

Even strangers.

Always be thinking of how you can help someone or make someone smile.

Know that they are struggling with something. Thats what I do. It makes it easier to be kind to them and help them.

Find different ways to say thanks. Whether its in person or not. Next time youre in the Starbucks drive through buy coffee for the next person in line. Take the time to talk to strangers. Ask them how their day is or when they get off work. Write a note to someone. Mail something to someone. Little things matter. Probably more than you know. bc whoever you blessed, probably wont tell you. And thats a good thing, bc if they did, we might get prideful. and then we might start doing it for us and not them.

Im trying to make this a habit. Im trying to keep my mind on others. Im trying to be more interested in people. Im trying to forget myself.

Kindness can change someone.

"Do you know what I need? To escape into the mountains. Surrounded by tall trees, I will lay on the moss, and breathe in the scent of mushrooms, flowers and wet soil."

— Les Discrets

This sums up how Im feeling now.

Im wanting to escape. From all of life. Just for a short time. To refresh. and invigorate. and uplift. Im not depressed. Just in need of mountains. and to breathe in mountain air.

Ive been appreciating coffee for what it is. Black. Actually its more brown. Brown coffee. 7th day now. Still going strong. Although yesterday afternoon I went to the coffee shop and bought some and accidentally added cream and sugar without thinking. I got really mad at myself. Its a weird feeling, just pouring, and walking away.

Im going home tomorrow for Spring Break. Remember when it used to be called A.E.A.? Good times. I need a break and am so excited about just being home.

I have a new friend. She is wise and positive and her outlook on life is encouraging.

Whenever the power goes out I get really excited inside for like 30 minutes. Then it goes away.

I appreciate the stars. In the quietness of the night they bring comfort. To know that God created them. And then to rest in the fact that he created me. He sustains and watches over the world and he watches over me. Sometimes I think the stars do a better job at letting people know that there is a God. Ya know?

I just cant imagine looking at the world and not believing in God. How would I see the stars without God? They would look the same. They might even give me the same feeling. But it would end there. I would see the stars with selfish eyes. But instead, I can marvel in the fact that God created them. I can immediately be swept away by the Creator of the universe.

I decided I want to live by this saying. Im not sure if I can explain everything Im thinking. But look at the stars, observe the stars, find comfort, and just rest. Rest in Christ.

"...and He also made the stars." Genesis 1:16.

Almost every night there is a snake in my dream. One time I was holding it and it was calm. Another time I was walking and it struck my leg. Another time I picked it up and threw it. Other times they are just in my dream. Lying on a ground or a street or something. Probably dreaming and wondering why Im in THEIR dream. Its annoying. Id rather it be a sweet little bunny or a cute baby dinosaur that I raise. But not a snake. Snakes...snakes are eerie.

I thought you should know.

I have been working on Honesty. In my relationships. Like, just being real. Sometimes its hard. And other times its refreshing to just..say what youre thinking. I try to steer clear of excuses and to just tell the whole truth. Not that I was this chronic liar before but its good to tell people the exact truth. Especially if they ask. What if we were real with one another all the time? I think we'd be better people. I think our expectations of each other would decrease. And there would be more trust. Obviously. I think honesty is the foundation for every relationship. I dont know what I else Im thinking. Be real with one another. Also, Bradley Harris ate two scones today. One was Blueberry and the other, Raspberry with white Chocolate. Im so proud of him.

These overcast days have been comforting. They remind me to be still. They are refreshing. I love cloudy days almost as much as sunshine.

Keep your eyes on the skies today. Observe it.

Feel the nearness of Christ. Get away and think about Him.

Focus on what matters today.

Thats what Ive been thinking.

Today's Playlist: Gillian Welch, Sandra McCracken, Steven Delopoulos, and Red Mountain.

Peace is something that I pray for often. When I am impatient, the peace that God gives is at stake. When I get worried and let my concerns take over, the peace that God gives is at stake. When my heart feels a little troubled, the peace that God gives is at stake. When someone bothers me, the peace that God gives is at stake. When I doubt the decisions Ive made, the peace that God gives is at stake.

Its an issue of faith. My faith is ultimately at stake. Not that Ill lose it, but that Ill shrink it. Without even thinking about it. The promise in Matthew 6 is beautiful. We've all read it, but really read it. Really believe it. Dont believe it just one time. But re-believe it all the time. Think about nature and animals and how God cares and provides for them. Actually appreciate flowers and their beauty. And then multiply that flower by like a million and think about and appreciate God's love for US. All of my worry is meaningless. The worry I feel about class. The thoughts I have about tomorrow. Dwelling on the decisions I have to make next week or in a year. Wondering how many people will read my blog posts. Wondering what people will think if I dont wear make up. The awkwardness of helping someone you might not like or know. Or just plain old restlessness. Every time worry comes, Im going to take a deep breath and re-focus. Im going to transfer my attention to what matters. And what God has for me at that moment. Which might be peace. It might be His soft voice telling me to stop. To stop worrying. Because the peace that he wants for me will be lost for that moment.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace that I give is a gift the world cannot give. So dont be troubled or afraid." John 14:27.

Does that verse bring tears to your eyes? If not, try worrying, then read it. No, dont do that, but when you accidentally worry, read it.

Pray for peace. For little situations and for big ones. Trust God with all your heart. If we dont, our fellowship with God is at stake.

I have a friend who sent me a box of Kumquats. Her name is Laura-Leigh. Since the day she sent them I have eaten a handful everyday. They are like reversed Oranges. Sweet on the outside sour on the inside. The word derived from the Cantonese and they referred to them as Gam Gwats. When I say that version it makes me feel retarded. In Vietnam they use the plant as a decoration. Stupids. In the Philippines they make hot and iced tea with them. In America, I dont know what we do in America. I just eat them. I dont like to eat them around people. Except for my cousin. Bc sometimes I make a weird sour face. I cant help it. Im running low. Ive rationed them out for the next few days. Ive never bought Kumquats before. Apparently they are at their best in March and April. Its gonna be thrilling. I think I might start carrying some around in my purse. Mainly for the fact that when I look through my purse, there will be Kumquats everywhere. And I can offer them to people. And see their sour face. They wont know. Unless they read this. Kumquats kumaquats lumquats sqaquas unkwas. Thats me trying to say Kumquats as fast as I can five times in a row. Go on, try it.

A bucket list of things I can never do.

1. Walk on the moon.

2. Meet Queen Elizabeth.

3. Pet a whale.

4. Own an elephant.

5. Be a Ringmaster.

6. Become Good Friends with Julie Andrews.

7. Give Mona Lisa highlights.

8. Meet myself as a 5 year old.

9. Play the lead role in a well-known Musical.

10. Fly, using a Jet Pack.

These were my thoughts today. Maybe these will become my real Bucket List one day. Oh me oh my. Thats a lot to consider. I feel nauseous.

Ive been doing some thinking. About this Jan Term class. I have a new perspective and I would like to write about it.
Everything in me does not want to pay attention in this class. Oh, the class is Jeremiah.
The first and maybe second day I didn't give my teacher unlimited attention. I surfed the web, ya know, what every college student does during class. Its almost a habit for us. I went home and started thinking. About people all over the world who can't take this class. Or any class for that matter. I thought about Pastors, and want-to-be pastors in different countries. Who don't have much. Maybe just a Bible. What they would give to be sitting in this class learning. About Jeremiah and past Kings and People and Cultures. The knowledge and information my teacher has about this book would be shocking to them.
I think about the People Groups and Individuals that have to read their Bible in secret. And all the secret Bible Studies that take place around the world. Some of these studies might last all day. Some pray together all day. They worship God together all day. In secret. They can't get enough of each other and God. They are thirsty. For knowledge and Christ.
I think about children in different parts of the world that would find some of the stories in Jeremiah interesting and intriguing.
And then I look at myself. A rich girl who gets to sleep in a warm bed every night. A girl who has cabinets full of food. A girl who has heat and air whenever she wants it. A girl who gets to wake up every morning and learn things that help her as an individual. Biblical information that helps ME grow as a Christian. And some days I choose to sleep in because I want to. And because I have this attitude about school. I get to learn from this professor who has spent hours studying this book that I know very little about. This would be the perfect life to one of those pastors who is doing everything he can to lead a whole congregation with just one Bible. And some people of the congregation dont even have a Bible to read for themselves. I have three!
I have three Bibles.
I have three Bibles.
I have three Bibles.
...and then some.
Some of those half Bibles.
Pocket Bibles.
I just want to cry when I think about these people. And I have cried this week. About my sorry attitude and about the attitudes of the people around world. And how different we are. The saved people that would look so forward to sitting in class and reading about Jeremiah. It meets from 8am-11:50am. He usually lets us out at 10:30. I get so restless after 3 hrs. That's all. A measly 3 hrs of sitting and I'm about ready to die.
I have payed attention this week. I have given my attention to Jeremiah and to my professor. I have thanked Christ for this opportunity. And I'm praying for these people that are in my mind. They are there for a reason.
I am aware.